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Blogging about gardening in zone 4, marriage, our golden retriever and life in general.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition

I've been walking around with a sinking sense of disappointment for the past few days. It appears, for the third time in as many years, that my dad will not get a coaching job this go 'round.

Bitterness turns my stomach, and despite my desire to move on I just can't seem to let go of the anger. Anger at the former coach and players whose selfish actions got him fired. I don't have the words to convey my absolute hatred towards the two administrators who fired him. Bitterness that one of them gets to retire and ride off into the sunset. A powerfully indignant anger towards two of his coaching “friends” who have had opportunities to offer him a job and ease my parents situation, yet have extended no offers.

Why isn't my dad employable in the world of college coaching? Because believe me, he's trying. Did MSU really ruin his reputation so badly? Is it because he has a lawsuit pending against MSU?

The trial begins on January 25th, and at times it is all I can think about. I think of the testimony I will give and how a part of me that I'm not proud of will enjoy staring down the AD as I do so. I look forward to dad’s side of the story coming out. Very, very publicly. Nationally.

I always tried to keep my identity separated from who my dad was. I don't think I realized until now how caught up in his persona I am. Or maybe I just want my parents to be on a forward path again. To not be waiting for someone else's actions to help them move forward.

My parents are wonderful, hard working, big hearted people, who did not deserve to have their lives involuntarily decimated at the peak of their earning potential. And maybe that's why this 32 month old wound is so raw.

And I just don't see a scab forming anytime soon.

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