Malcontent

I avoid writing about my job on here because, well, the internet is rife with people whose blog posts ended up being career limiting.

But here it is 1:06 am and I can't sleep for the turmoil in my head, my heart and my stomach.

I've been fighting a case of workplace discontent all summer. I chalked it up to stress over wedding planning, boring projects and  the uncertainty of my employer's budget. My antsy-ness had to do with not moving for the first time in 10 years, surely. The wondering of my mind to the "should I pursue a PhD in History" question was due to some kind of boredom, right? My dismay at some workplace shenannigans always ebbed and flowed, and this was an ebb.

Well, fuck, I'm sure I'm mixing my metaphors here, but the tide went out today and I don't see it flowing back in for a while.

Due to budget constraints, a coworker of mine is taking on additonal responsibilities (and the corresponding budget allocation) while another is reducing hours to three-quarter-time. And while I know everyone on my team will pitch in, I can't help but feel many of their current applications/ projects will fall to me.

Some of the current projects walking in the door are retreads of projects other planners handled in 2007 or 2008. Others are the new big uglies that deal with tearing great old buildings down.

I'm savvy enough to know already which are loosing causes. Yet I can't ignore my moral concience, my professional ethics, to support a project that destroys what I believe in. In adhereing to my principles I'm setting myself up for a massive whalloping in a televised public forum. Big public black eyes, potentially delivered from the people I work for.

So yeah, I've got that going for me.

I know it's not kosher to complain about a job right now. And I'm grateful, truely I am, that my coworkers are taking on new roles and accepting reduced hours in an effort to keep our department staffed at the bare bones level it is now. I work with a great team of people, and we can't afford to lose anyone.

But. But... the reorganization of responsibilities seems to rob me of the history and preservation projects that feed my soul and keep me coming back. I'm afraid all of my time will now be spent in project review; a segment of my job I've always tolerated because the same job let me do fun stuff like write walking tours of historic districts.

And this makes my stomach hurt. This isn't the job I want. I find no joy in dickering over vinyl vs. wood interior/ metal clad exterior windows. I don't like being stuck between my duty to execute the community's goals and vision in terms of keeping great old buildings and the community's need for the economic stimulous that comes with any project right now. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I just don't know... exactly what price did the devil name for my soul here?