A slow Saturday morning...

Wow, what a week. Especially for one only four days long. But I made it; we made it through.

My lectures for class this week were... a push. I can't discuss history without starting at the beginning, which meant the geology of the northern Rocky Mountains. Suddenly on Monday night I'm cramming about igneous and sedimentary rocks. It was a little nuts.

Nonetheless, I achieved what I set out to this week. Gave two decent lectures. Was up at 6:15am each morning, and in the office no later than 8am. Avoided "double dipping"; working on class lectures while at work for the City. Knocked out a couple of important projects at work.

By Friday DJ, and probably the doggie, felt a little abandoned. I barricaded myself into the office on Tuesday and Wednesday nights this week to prep lectures and basically ignored them. DJ has been a very supportive husband while I try to teach this class, which I appreciate so very much.

We celebrated the end of a trying week with a great dinner at Over the Tapas; goat cheese-filled croquettes, bacon wrapped steak, lamb sliders and a steak salad. OMG, we may have a contender for new favorite restaurant in Bozeman. The best part was leaving without feeling that we needed to unbutton our pants.

From Tapas we went to Lowes to pick out tile for the fireplace, a project which is finally happening next weekend. I'd still rather tear out our entire mantle and put in built-in bookshelves and a smaller mantle, but I'll compromise on just finishing the damn thing.

Upon arriving home, I poured a whiskey drink and got in bed with a book. DJ watched "Gold Rush" (yeaaaah, the quality of television ranges widely in our house). By 10:00pm the lights were out and I slept wonderfully until 6:30am, when my internal alarm when off. It was nice to snuggle in our warm, comfortable bed for an hour while thinking through gardening plans for 2012.

Now I'm in the office with a cup of coffee. DJ went downtown to meet friends for the Saturday morning coffee date, but I stayed home to enjoy a quiet house. I'm giving myself until noon, after which I'll start working on lectures for the next two weeks.

How was your week?

The Dark Days

Today is my parent's 37th anniversary. I'd show you a photo, but I lost my digital scans of the originals when my hard drive crashed the week of our wedding.

Thirty seven years. Sometimes I think they've made it this far only through stubborn resolve not to quit. The years immediately after dad was fired were hard on all of us, and especially hard on their marriage.

They seem to have come through it though, and both of them take a quiet, deep pride in the accomplishments of the other person. They are good people, and I am grateful to have them in my life.
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Today is the winter solstice; the shortest day of year. The longest night. We woke up this morning to a snowstorm, and I told Dusty and the dog "Guys! It's the shortest day of the year, which only means that tomorrow is a little longer, and the next day even longer. Spring is on its way!"

I think I've been mildly depressed this fall. There are many potential causes: the shortening days, the health of my grandparents, the post-trip blues and the impact the trip had on our finances. The Next Big Thing on the horizon, but a difference of opinion in when and how to get there. Career expansion that's both thrilling and intimidating.

I just haven't felt very sparkly, you know? It's manifested in two drinks a night (more on the weekends), falling into tears easily and serious apathy at work.

It finally poured out to Dusty last night, and he asked all the right questions. "Do you want to go talk to someone about it?" (No, I think once we get through Christmas and the days start to get longer and I'll be so busy that I don't have time to be sad it'll lift).

DJ mentioned that he's always thought that January and February sucked too, and asked "what we can do during those months as a preventative measure?" (Since a trip to Mexico isn't possible, date nights, using our new cross-country skiis on sunny mornings to get me outside, getting big projects done around the house).

My family has a history of depression. Whose doesn't? My grandpa gets particularly owly in the winter, when he's cooped up inside and its dark out. I suggested a light box for him a couple of weeks ago, and now I think it might be on my post-Christmas purchase list.

I've told Dusty about this many times, and given him permission to ask probing questions if I start getting overly crabby at any time. He asked all the right questions last night. He kept asking, "are you okay," to which I kept replying "I will be."

Because it gets brighter from here.

I want a new car. Today.

I purchased my 2005 Nissan Altima in 2004 (yep, brand new) during my senior year of college. It's the first major purchase I ever made, that I ever paid off (early!). The odometer just rolled over 80,000 miles. In reality, we "should" own the vehicle for another 5-6 years/ to 200,000 miles.

It also lacks Anti-Lock Brakes, All Wheel Drive and has $5,000 worth of hail damage. My ride, it ain't so pimp.

DJ and I are pretty financially conservative people, though you might not see that from our decisions over the past two years. We've jumped from one big purchase to another: a house, a wedding, a Europe trip. In almost each situation, we anxiously awaited our Tax Return to pay off the credit card which funded said Big Purchase.

Neither of us "like" to do things this way, and we're breaking the cycle with this tax return. Seriously. Our plan is to be consumer debt free by March, and then start stockpiling away money for a hefty down payment on a new (to us) vehicle that has AWD (or front wheel drive with studded snow tires), ABS and will last us for the next decade. If we could make my car last long enough, we might be able to pay cash for such a vehicle.

Except that my car doesn't seem to be lasting long enough. I've gone through 5 headlights in the last 18 months. Assuming it was just the bulbs, we kept replacing the damn things. I finally called last Tuesday and made an appointment with the shop. And then the other headlight went out on Wednesday. No headlights during literally the darkest part of the year. >>>Enter four letter word here<<<

It's apparently a wiring problem, but the shop hasn't figured it out yet.

I also mentioned to them that the fuel door is getting harder and harder to open and close. It had a big ding from hail damage, and I swear, the wind speed from interstate driving has sculpted the thing closed. Is that possible? Because I practically need a pliers to open my "auto-open" fuel door. The dealership today said they'd have to replace the entire fuel door, and custom paint it to match the car. Oh hell no. I'd rather buy a $10 set of pliers for the next 9 months.

I haven't told DJ that little jem yet.

I hate spending money on a car we're going to be getting rid of. But more than that, we don't have the kind of down payment we are comfortable with to purchase a new vehicle. So what can you do, right? Grr.

I wonder if we should re-evaluate the "Single Car Family" model?

Hiking Blackmore

Dusty and Harlow and I hiked Mount Blackmore today, from the Hylite Lake parking lot. It's an elevation gain of about 4,000 feet; from 6,000 feet above sea level at the parking lot to the peak at 10,100 feet. 

I don't know if it was because I worked out pretty hard on Friday and Saturday, but this hike was a serious grunt. It was WAAAY harder for me than either hiking the ridge with Alli, or the Beartooths hike we did last summer. More difficult physically and really tough mentally. I also have some wicked blisters to show for it, including the bottoms of my heels. OUCH. 

The scenery was pretty difficult to look at though.

Harlow is becoming a good trail dog. She's figured out, for the most part, how far up ahead of us she can go, where to drink water from and also not to... do business... on the trail. She's also an expert map reader.

Remember when we had a puppy? This photo is about a year old, of Harlow and DJ reading the map during our Beartooths hike.

A few snowfields are still up there. We found one fun way to keep the pupperoni hydrated while not diminishing our water supply. Fetch, with snowballs.

Such a lady, with her paws crossed.

At our last stop before the summit push.

We finally made the summit, and were rewarded with some pretty amazing views. From Blackmore, looking down onto Bozeman in the Gallatin Valley, with the Bridger Range in the background.

And looking south, towards Yellowstone National Park. See those clouds forming? Yeah, I'm terrified of being on a peak or a ridge during a thunder and lightning storm. We took one more photo and booked it out of there. We got back down to the truck after only ab it of rain, but some big booming thunder.

Us, on top of Blackmore!

It was a haul of a climb, and coming down wasn't a cakewalk either. I'm always amazed at how well DJ and I manage during times of uncomfortableness. We kind of give each other our space, but keep an eye on the other person's safety and mental state. I feel like the physical pain of hiking, of doing something really, really HARD together somehow makes our marriage stronger.

Wedding photos, really quickly.

I meant to include these in yesterday's post, but couldn't get blogger to let me upload photos. 

My favorite, from El Weddingo:

All photos taken by my dear friend Anne Sherwood. 

Adult financial decisions

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I arrived home from a late work meeting in tears. I'd slid through three intersections on the slick, snow packed roads, and then couldn't get enough traction to get across another intersection before the light changed. Thankfully the other car coming saw my predicament and waited.  

Monday night I had to be pushed out of my parking spot on the street next to AOII. 

Tuesday night I got stuck in the street 100 yards from our house. The City hadn't plowed yet, and last week's snow had been made into mushy white stuff the consistency of cookie dough. Dusty and a kind neighbor pushed me out. 

Yesterday we spent $380 on new all-weather tires for my car. I know what you're thinking; "Courtney you live in one of the snowiest places in the US, why not purchase snow tires?"

For the same reason we haven't, and won't repair the $5,500 worth of hail damage to my car last June. Its 6 years old, has 68,000 miles and it's worth $6,000, not deducting for hail damage. I'm not putting $5,500 (hail damage)+ $700 (snow tires & rims)+ $1,000 (new brakes at 80,000 miles) on a vehicle worth less than that. Doing so commits us to owning my car for at least 5 more years. 

My car is front wheel drive, it doesn't have Anti Lock Brakes. It's 6 years old. I want something I feel comfortable and safe driving to Pocatello to see my parents in, or driving to Colton to see my extended family in. It would be nice to not ALWAYS take Dustys truck when traveling in the winter. Simply put, reinvesting in it is a poor financial decision.  

I bought my car brand new in the fall of 2004. I drove it through my senior year of college. I drove it to and from Kentucky for grad school. Its fine for getting around Bozeman when needed, great for summer road trips. It's been a great car; my family is loyal to Nissan for a reason.  

Which makes what I'm about to type even more shocking; I think I want either a new Subaru Outback (which I've made fun of for at least 10 years now!) Or a new Chevy Equinox (me! The educated liberal elite buying domestic!). Both have all-wheel drive, ABS and really great consumer reviews. Not to mention price points below $30,000.  

But for the next year or 18 months I will enjoy my new all-weather tires. And enjoy a paid off car. And be a grown up about acknowledging that purchasing a brand new car might now be in our financial future.  

My own weirdness at night

I've mentioned before that DJ does weird shit at night. Peering out the window, jumping out of bed, walking around the room, etc. It's usually totally unprovoked, sudden, and very intense for him. He's strange like that.

And last night I did something strange too, but only as a reaction to something he did.*

We're in bed, nice and cozy and asleep. And I'm dreaming about driving down the road in a very specific location about five miles from our house. When out of nowhere comes this
screeeeeeeeeeeeeecccchhhhhh.

I hear the noise and bolt awake, thinking in my dream state that we've blown a tire or something.

Me: "Dusty, Dusty what was that!!??"

DJ: "mohphf mmmhopmf."

Me: "DUSTY WHAT WAS THAT, SERIOUSLY?"

DJ: "My ass!"

My beloved husband had screeched out a fart so loud, high-pitched and abrupt that I jumped.

Me: "I'm going to punch you in the face."

*You'll note that my weird shit at night is a reaction to something he did... not something I dreampt on my own. Dusty, your farting, night-terrors ass is way weirder than mine.

Still here

So it's been what, three weeks since my last post. Yikes. I've had a lot going on. Given the staffing changes at my job, and committments I signed up for before the staffing changes, the workweek has been a daily triage of "what must absolutely get done today".

Those weeks have been followed, respectively, by a roadtrip/ houseguests (wonderful, wonderful houseguests!)/ party at our house one weekend, then a roadtrip/ football game/ grandma day/ roadtrip then a one day trip back to Missoula for a funeral.

Yeah. That last one? The one today? That was awful.

But it put things into perspective a bit for me. I drove over and back with two dear friends and sorority sisters of mine. We spent six hours in the car gossiping, eating chocolate covered cinnamon bears, discussing everything from marriages, having babies (and the medical options to do so), mutual friends, personal tragedies and the ovewhelming tragedy before us.

And then I came hope, on a rainy evening in September, to a husband in the garage making home brew, a furry golden retriever who wants nothing more than to cuddle with me, and, well, a life that I really do love. And am grateful for.

I need to spend a little more of my emotional energy finding things to be grateful for. The last three years seem to have been bogged down in work, family, personal and other obligations. I want to work, this fall, on being grateful for those committments. For people and organizations that find my role in them so valuable that they keep asking me to keep coming back.

Today I am grateful for the people in my life.

One Year

DJ emailed me this morning a little reminder:

One year ago today we signed the offer to bulid our house.

One year from Saturday we got engaged.

Man, it's been a hell of a ride. And this fall, for the first time in 10 years, I'm not moving. No wonder I'm vaguely restless!

Name Game (and a Top Gun quote)

I’m keeping my last name after we marry. I am, and will always be, the person with the three names my parents gave me nearly 27 years ago. It’s a simple statement of fact for me, but for varying reasons. My names connect me to who I am. My names represent familial ties that don’t disappear when DJ and I take vows. And I’m lazy.

I am:

COURTNEY because it was the ‘80’s (hey, at least it’s not as common as Britney or Jennifer). It seems like every kid I grew up with had a name that ended in an “ie” “ee” or “ey” sound.

HEITSTUMAN (Hi-Stew-Man) because it is my mom’s maiden name. My mom’s dad’s dad was a blacksmith in little Colton, Washington. He married a woman named Katherine Becker, and they had 13 children before he died. My grandpa Bob is one of the best people on earth; patient, kind, full of mirth, sociable, and generous. DJ reminds me of him.

KRAMER because it is my father’s last name. And though my family name “ain’t the best in the navy”…. Oh, wait, this isn’t Top Gun… back on track. (Cougar and Merlin and Maverick and Goose!... did I mention it was the ‘80’s?))

My family name has meaning in this community, and I refuse to duck that meaning by taking on DJ’s name. And Kramer is who I am, personally and professionally. My high school diploma, BA in History diploma, and Master of Historic Preservation diploma all say Kramer. I am who I am.

Oddly, I didn’t feel so strongly about not changing my name until I started dating DJ. It’s about not him, or his rather boring last name. But I think that dating DJ has brought me to a new level of maturity. One where I recognize who I am, and what that means.

And having both of my parents last names in my name is meaningful to me. It’s a reminder of my grandparents, and the town we’re from. Hardworking, generous, industrious, family oriented roots. How could reminders of those predispositions be a bad thing?

My mom wishes she’d kept her last name. DJ’s mom wishes she’d kept her maiden name. My dad’s mom wishes she’d kept hers. My mom’s mom wishes she’d kept her last name. Imagine the shock of little Joyce Druffel, getting married in 1951 in the catholic church in small farm town America and not taking Bob's last name!!!??? Scandalous!

Lastly, although maybe the foremost reason for not changing my surname, is that I’m lazy. I have enough paperwork in my life, I don’t need to add contacting Social Security/ DMN/ Passport/ Bank/ Credit Cards/ Student Loans/ forwarding addresses/ Family/ Friends about the name change to my list of things to do. Especially if DJ doesn’t have to do them!

Sidenote: after 30 years of marriage, my dad looked at my mom and said “Sandi, I think we should be the Heitstumans now.” My mom was flattered, and appalled at the thought of redoing all of their paperwork!

DJ doesn’t mind that I plan to keep my name. He doesn’t care either way. And we haven’t really talked about what we’ll do when we have kids. I’d kind of like to give any daughter of ours my middle (mom’s maiden) name and my maiden name and DJ’s last name. Four names is too many, you say?

Maybe we should just both change our last name to Heitstuman?

If you could do it over again, would you change your name? Have your husband adopt yours? Create a hybrid? Any struggles with naming children?

New Years Resolutions

DJ doesn’t buy into New Year’s resolutions. He figures that if a person recognizes a behavior as a problem, why not take steps to correct it immediately, on July 29th? Point taken.

I, however, do think it is a good idea to reflect on the past year, and plan for the next while setting goals for achievement. My goals for 2009 were:

1. Pay off my Capital One credit card
2. Get my blood pressure under control (at 25-26 years old, yes).

And I did those things! I’m excited to report that I paid off my Capital One Card in December; a total of over $5,000. Which also explains why I’m so shabbily dressed as of late.

I also brought my blood pressure mostly under control through changes in medication and better eating. Sadly, I did not lose 30lbs in the process, but I do feel better.

Since today is the beginning of a pretty eventful year for me, I’m setting the following goals:


1. Sew a piece of clothing, and wear it


I know the basics, and my basic way around a sewing machine. And I always have a hard time finding something that fits properly. And I’m trying to be cheaper. And Bozeman’s clothing stores aren’t exactly diverse. So why not try my hand at making something for myself? This will probably happen in the fall after El Weddingo.

2. Count to ten more often (be patient)

People say patience is a virtue. I often retort that so are chastity and obedience, and I blew those long ago! But I do need to try to be more patient with others, and myself. Five more seconds will rarely impede my day.

3. Grow a vegetable garden and try to can salsa

I did make the landscapers put in the drip lines for gardening. I should use them. And DJ makes excellent salsa’s (hold the jalepenos please). So why not?

4. Take on less responsibility

I am, inevitably, always running behind and juggling four bags of stuff to do. I’ve got lists, spreadsheets and calendar reminders. And we don’t even have a dog or a kid. It seems like I rarely have a night off. Is this a woman thing? Do we all overbook ourselves to the point of being crazy? Regardless, I’m going to prioritize, delegate, and let some things go. Or find a more efficient way to do them.

5. Make it to work by 9am every morning

I often have late night meetings for work. Three a month, to be exact. And when I get home at 9:30am, I really don’t feel the pressure to get into work by 8am, especially when I’ve just built up four hours of Comp Time (government employee). And everyone I work with understands this. But I feel like less of a professional walking in the door at 10am. So, unless I’ve already requested to take the morning off, I will try to make it into work by 9am every day.

6. Not lose my mind while wedding planning. Or my friends and family.

See also number four and number two. I’m struggling planning a wedding. Really, I’m not having much, if any, fun. But I’m doing it, and on July 11th we will wake up married.

That’s it so far. Six neatly organized goals for the year. They accompany a laundry list of other things to do like organize the office, get the house settled and decorated, and go to the gym daily. But these are things I will do regardless of making them a goal.

Are you setting New Year’s Goals?

Happy New Year

As of midnight tonight, DJ and I will have been together two years. We’d chatted all fall at work, played a little golf together, and ran in the same circle of friends. When friends decided to go out for sushi on New Year’s Eve, we both decided to go to Old Chicago for pizza instead. Neither of us likes sushi (it’s an appetizer!).

After dinner we met friends downtown at Boodles bar, which sadly no longer exists after exploding last spring. The friends had a table and DJ and I joined them. For some unknown reasons, the group decided to go down to 317 (another bar) to ring in the New Year. With 15 minutes to go before the ball dropped, we left our nice table, headed down the street, and promptly found out that 317 was at capacity and we couldn’t get in. We ducked into the Eagles club across the street, and were standing in front of the Keno machines at midnight.

Yes, our first kiss was at midnight on New Year’s Eve, in front of the Keno machines at the Eagles Club. We keep it classy.

DJ over the past two years you’ve been an awesome friend, boyfriend, and fiancé, and in 2010 you’ll make an awesome husband. In many ways I already feel married to you. You’re often a better friend to me than I am to you, or myself. Thank you for being my sounding board, ski instructor, reaching for things on high shelves for me, and my driver. And so, so many other things.

Bring on the New Year!

Joint finances?

DJ and I met with an accountant today to discuss my eligibility for the $8,000 tax credit for first time homebuyers. I’m pretty excited to say that I’ll be getting probably $8,000+ back in taxes, which will seriously beef up the rather paltry savings account. And DJ will get a nice sum back too.

Sidenote: as we were standing in the lobby, I mentioned to DJ that while I sucked at math in college, and hated it, I kind of thought it would be fun to be an accountant. :::BAM::: Mom, MOM! Wake up! You fainted at ME saying I wanted to be an accountant.

Source

Back to the point, we’ll be filing separate taxes for the 2009 tax year (since we’re still separate, duh). And I asked the accountant if we should file joint taxes for 2010, since we’re getting married in 2010. His answer was a yes, since it streamlined the process and made the whole refund thing more streamlined.

We are, however, at my insistence, going to maintain some kind of financial independence from each other once we’re married. Frankly, it just seems easier. I don’t have to worry about not knowing what he’s spent out of our checking account; he doesn’t have to worry about me not tracking purchases down to the penny in a register. This is called the “Yours-Mine-Ours” strategy.

Source

And I think every woman should retain some level of financial independence. You never know what will happen in life, and my parents paid for a college education so that I can always provide for myself. I’ll take that a step farther and keep the majority of my finances my own. Independent.

We did set up a joint checking and joint savings account in November though. The bank where my accounts are offered a promotional deal if we got our mortgage through them and opened a joint account at that banking institution.

The plan for semi-joint finances is as follows. DJ will transfer all of his accounts over to the bank where my personal accounts and our mortgage are in the next month. We will both continue to have our paychecks direct deposited into our personal checking accounts, and from there will set up auto-transfers of a specified amount via online banking into our joint checking account. Bills paid out of joint checking will be the things we share. Right now, that’s only mortgage, home insurance, taxes, and cell bills. Eventually though it will include car insurance, groceries, etc. All of these will likely be set up on an auto-bill too, so we won’t have to think about it.

Source

Mine, Ours, Yours

Right now the joint savings account is only seeing action as a wedding fund. We’re both putting a specified amount into it each month, so we don’t have to put wedding expenses on charge cards. Once El Weddingo is past, stuff like tax refunds and monetary gifts will probably go into our joint savings account.

Our personal accounts are that, personal. I don’t care to know how much DJ has in checking. Or for DJ to know how little I have in checking. My personal accounts will pay for stuff like girl’s weekends, gifts, fun money, etc. And we will both only be able to see the accounts our names are on when we log into online banking.

Do you think it’s foolhardy to try to keep accounts separated? Are you an all-in type of person? Or did you join accounts, but now wish you wouldn’t have?

Do you think this plan is going to go down in a ball of flames in a year?

There's no such thing as insurance...

I spent this morning taking photos of our house to create a blog section about our for-sale condo. I’ll put that up soon, but something else sparked me today.

Last night I spoke to a very dear childhood friend, whose wedding I was in three years ago, and whose marriage is now ending. It is not my story to tell, so I’ll refrain from divulging the details (much of which I don’t know), but talking to her really got me thinking.

As an American girl in her 20’s, many of the people in my age group are single but looking for a relationship, in a relationship but looking for an engagement, engaged and planning a wedding, or married and thinking about babies. I even have a few friends who have had babies on purpose which really blows my everloving mind.

I’m in the mix there too; DJ and I are talking marriage. Again, there is a whole back-story and no, I don’t know why we aren’t engaged yet but I just keep telling myself that I don’t want to pressure him, it will happen when it happens, and I should just focus on enjoying the here and now. Eventually I’ll write a post about how we got to this point.

In the mean time though, my conversation with the childhood friend last night got me thinking once again about marriage. Although I both parts look forward to, and dread, planning our wedding, I know that the wedding part is easy; the marriage part takes work. Unending amounts of work. And an ability to put someone else’s needs before yours, compromise, disagree without damaging the relationship; and a million other things that I can’t even fathom right now.

My biggest fear about getting married has nothing to do with DJ. He’s a fantastic person and we agree on most subjects (not that that is a requirement of any marriage). We communicate well, and the only discussion (not fight, we don’t raise voices and always end it harmoniously) we continually have is where to get married. Rough, huh? I could go on endlessly about how lucky I am to have found someone who accepts me for who I totally am as a whole, from the stinky farts to the penchant for using three Tupperwares to take assorted lunch items to work.

It’s impossible to insure yourself against divorce. I think all the premarital counseling in the world can’t prepare you for what happens when one of you is diagnosed with a terminal disease, develops an addiction and refuses help, etc. Instead of playing the “what if” game, I’ve spent a lot of time recognizing how DJ and I both respond to stress individually and as a team. We do pretty well, with a lot of communication.

So my fears about getting married, and I think I’d be a fool not to acknowledge them, totally revolve around me. I’m terrified that I’ll let DJ down and cause hurt to someone I hold so dear. I worry that my stubbornness, independent nature and opinionated mouth will somehow lead me astray. DJ and I have talked through both of our career and family ambitions and have agreed to always support each other in what the person wants to try to achieve. I’m not worried about him holding me back. Instead though, I guess maybe I’m afraid of holding myself back in order to not rock the boat.

Somehow I stumbled across an article Kristin Armstrong wrote in Glamour magazine in 2006. It’s a great read for any female, and I strongly recommend it for dudes on the marriage track too. Kristin talks a lot about how small actions by her slowly eroded her sense of self. You can find it here: www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2006/07/kristin-armstrong

My mom also gave me some really great advice a couple of years ago, which I pass on to friends regularly: the only person in your life who can always make you happy is you. Through your decisions, people you surround yourself with and actions to take. I think her advice is very true, and a good reminder that it takes two to tango. For example, DJ couldn’t know that I’ve got a strong desire to go to Rome soon if I don’t tell him. I couldn’t know that it annoys the hell out of him that I rarely start the dishwasher if he doesn’t tell me. I strive very hard to always tell DJ if something is bothering me rather than let little annoyances boil over into a torrent of incoherent gripes.

I now have two friends, out of about ten who have divorced. One lasted two and a half years, the other three. I also have three friends currently engaged, and a whole host of others anticipating getting engaged every time their boyfriend goes down on one knee to tie his shoe. If half of American marriages end, who of the remaining eight won’t make it? Why? Will it be a succession of little causes or an insurmountable issue?

I can’t say I’m sad about my friends who divorced; sad isn’t the right word. I wish they'd been able to avoid the circumstance all together, mainly by not continuing to date or marry their now ex-husbands. For both of them I try to be there as best I could to help them get through the agonizing pain of ending a marriage (thankfully, neither had kids). Although I want to tell them both that I think they made the right decision, it is not fair for me to transpose my opinion onto their personal heartbreak. I try to tell them that I’m proud of them for taking the necessary steps to make themselves happier. I think it takes guts to totally shake up your life, in hopes the aftermath will be better than the explosion.

In the meantime, I keep talking to DJ about finances, kids, disciplining children, family relations, etc. in order to try to cover my bases. Can you guys think about a subject I might have missed?