How I feel

Sorry to leave that post up for so long. Not exactly a warm and cheery greeting when you come here.

I haven't posted in a while because I fell out of the habit. Because I haven't been sure what to say. Because there is a lot to say, and nothing to say, at the same time.

My grandma is dying. My grandpa is... hanging in there, though he's not all there, you know? I drove over to see them over Veteran's Day weekend in a visit which was simultaneously too short and too long.

I developed a cold on Thursday afternoon, and spent Friday home on the couch. We had wonderful houseguests for the weekend. They were here for the annual rivalry football game. We had a lovely visit.

Thanksgiving is in two days, and we've been whipsawed back and forth about the plans. First we're hosting, then we're going to grandmas, then we're hosting, now we're going to my parents. Someone just make a damn plan and stick with it.

I seem to have become pretty crabby and morose as the days have gotten shorter. I'm short tempered, quick to say something biting, crabby, petulant. And this cold has kept me from the gym, my usual coping mechanism. So now I feel grumpy, crabby and fat.

Dusty's brother finally got engaged, and I'm so happy. For them, of course, but for me too. As Brian seemed to drag his feet, I started to worry about how I'd keep his girlfriend as a friend if they broke up. So yes, I'm selfish even in that aspect.

I mentioned to Dusty last night that between Veterans Day and New Years Day is hard for me. Lots to do, and sometimes nothing to do, all at once. Short days, snowy weather, the stress of holiday shopping, etc.

Man, this cold needs to clear so I can get back to the gym!

We're back!

The regularly scheduled posts over the past few weeks probably tipped you off to our Europe trip, huh? I'm not very sneaky.

I have a lot to say about the trip-- it went beautifully, with only unavoidable glitches like the unseasonably warm weather in Rome. It was in the low 90's every day, instead of the upper 70's/ low 80's like we planned for. Lets just say my husband posted a lot of facebook comments about sweaty balls.

I'm still trying to process our trip photos, all 1,030 of them. I promise I won't subject you to all of them. In the mean time, I thought I'd start with the highlights and lowlights of the trip.

Highlight (for me): Day 1- D-Day Tour. I'll post more about it later, but a couple of quick images:

German guns overlooking the Normandy beaches. 

Omaha Beach, looking towards the east. 

Overlooking Omaha Beach. 

American Cemetery at Omaha Beach. 

Really, I have so much more to say about this day. The short version of it is, GO THERE. If you can swing it. If you're in France. GO. 

Now, for the lowlight. I'll explain more of it later too, but the lowlight was the Vatican Museums/ Sistine Chapel. Check out these photos and tell me if you can figure out why:

Yeah... The Vatican Museums host 20-40,000 people in one day. We didn't know that. They also don't make you set up an appointment (like at the Borghese Gallery) so they can send everyone in waves. It was  a giant mass of people shuffling in one direction. It was alos 85 degrees outside, and either they don't have AC, or it couldn't keep up with the masses.  By the time we reached the Sistine Chapel I just wanted OUT. OUT OF THERE RIGHT THIS SECOND. OMFG GET ME OUT OF HERE. And someone brought a baby. And yes, I took a picture of the screaming kid, because I'm an asshole like that. The poor kid was expressing exactly how I felt at that exact moment too. 

If' you're in Rome, don't go to the Sistine Chapel. If you really want to see it in all it's beautiful detail, buy a coffee table book and enjoy it (for about the same price). 

Also: Jet lag is kind of awesome. I've been up since 3:45am (having gone to sleep at 8:30pm). I've gotten a ton done! 

Back in the game

This afternoon my dad retakes the football field as a collegiate head coach. After three years of being out of the game, he'll lead the Idaho State Bengals onto the field at Martin Stadium in Pullman, for an afternoon showdown against Washington State University. 

Man, there is so much emotion wrapped up in those two sentences. Dad is finally actually coaching again. He and my mom grew up 12 miles from Pullman. He was recruited by Washington State, but chose to start at the University of Idaho as a freshman. WSU drubbed Idaho so badly in 1975 that my dad's brother Pat, who was being recruited by WSU, refused to speak to the 'Cougs coaches. Pat signed with Notre Dame instead, married a girl from the east coast and has lived in Massachusetts since.  

Football is a game, don't get me wrong. But sometimes it has life-changing consequences.

Dad was on the staff at WSU last year. Let me make it clear: he made $24,000 as the glorified water boy. He couldn't interact with college athletes. He wasn't coaching. But he and my mom had fun being 'Coug fans. Even if the 'Cougs only won two games last year; one of them an overtime victory against Montana State. 

A long time assistant, and good friend of his, is the head football coach at WSU. Paul's WSU teams have won five games in three years- he's on the end of a one-year contract extension. Saying he's on the hot seat is like saying I've got small fingers. Duh. 

My sister and her boyfriend are seniors at WSU. It's amazing how much this university, which I didn't attend, has been in my life lately. Can I call myself a bandwagon 'Coug fan if I became a fan when they sucked? 

The sportswriter for the Spokesman Review out of Spokane has been a longtime favorite writer of mine. His article this week gets to the amazing irony and sometimes gut-wrenching coincidences that come with college athletics. You can, and should, read it here.

Don't get me wrong, it won't be a close game. The 'Cougs have been terrible, but the Bengals have been worse. But it's awesome to see dad get another chance to do what he loves, and is so damn good at. 

Still here

So it's been what, three weeks since my last post. Yikes. I've had a lot going on. Given the staffing changes at my job, and committments I signed up for before the staffing changes, the workweek has been a daily triage of "what must absolutely get done today".

Those weeks have been followed, respectively, by a roadtrip/ houseguests (wonderful, wonderful houseguests!)/ party at our house one weekend, then a roadtrip/ football game/ grandma day/ roadtrip then a one day trip back to Missoula for a funeral.

Yeah. That last one? The one today? That was awful.

But it put things into perspective a bit for me. I drove over and back with two dear friends and sorority sisters of mine. We spent six hours in the car gossiping, eating chocolate covered cinnamon bears, discussing everything from marriages, having babies (and the medical options to do so), mutual friends, personal tragedies and the ovewhelming tragedy before us.

And then I came hope, on a rainy evening in September, to a husband in the garage making home brew, a furry golden retriever who wants nothing more than to cuddle with me, and, well, a life that I really do love. And am grateful for.

I need to spend a little more of my emotional energy finding things to be grateful for. The last three years seem to have been bogged down in work, family, personal and other obligations. I want to work, this fall, on being grateful for those committments. For people and organizations that find my role in them so valuable that they keep asking me to keep coming back.

Today I am grateful for the people in my life.

Reception Re-do

Dudes. It has been a crazy-ass rollercoaster of a week. First our wedding budget is smashed by a $3,000 site fee we can't afford, which kills any plans for a fall honeymoon because we'd be broke. Then the marina won't shut down to host us. I cried on Friday afternoon. Big, sad tears that my insistience upon having this wedding in Harrison had caused a giant effing mess for 150 of our family and friends to deal with.

I cried Friday morning. DJ was willing to swallow the bitter $3,000 fee and just move on. I was just sad and overwhelmed and frustrated and mad. I cried again. Then I kicked DJ out of my office and got to work. I work best under pressure. I knew the odds of finding all of the parts we'd need for a full-out reception on my parent's lawn would be long.

I called tent rental places and I found a tent. The same company also had enough tables, chairs, table linnens, and dance floor squares. I put down the deposit on a 20 X 50' tent and neccessary sidewalls, 15 8' tables, 110 chairs, and 12 4 X 4' dance floor squares yesterday. It all arrives at 10 am on Wednesday, July 7. I'm paying extra for them to set it up on Wednesday; peace of mind.

I called catering companies, on a Saturday, and contacted two of them. Both gave me very reasonable bids. One of them catered a wedding in Harrison last July. One of them would bring real plates, utensils, napkins, their own tables, a crew, coffee, punch, water pitchers, and cater dinner and cocktail hour for a price we could afford. We hired this caterer.

We're ordering four kegs through the store in town. We're having one or two porta potties set up below the shack. Everyone in my family is dragging out strands of Christmas lights. We're finding DJ equipment.

And suddenly, I'm oh-so-excited about this. I wasn't really before. Excited to be married? Yes! Excited for the wedding... meh. But now, now a party for 140 of our closest friends in a place I love sounds fantastic to me.

Finally, after so many years of saying "things happen for a reason", I truely believe things happened for a reason on this one. Harrison, here we come.

So, wedding guests, prepare yourself for a tented lawn party, with tables under the tent, in the driveway, on the porch of the shack, and on the deck. Prepare for dancing (on a real dance floor!) in the driveway, with strands of lights strung above. Get ready for badmiton and a fire pit with s'mores down by the water.

Prepare yourself for Mikey Kramer, maybe in a wetsuit. A little fuzzy. A little scary. More spandex than necessary, but an enthusiastic, glad to be here, let's have some god damned fun kind of a wedding reception!

Deflated.

Can we talk?

We've got 31 days until the wedding, and yesterday afternoon the reception venue sprung a giant $3,000 "site fee" upon us. A site fee that was not planned for, budgeted for, previously discussed or mentioned. I was mad yesterday. I scrambled and am in the process of exploring other options, before I even respond to the restaurant.

By the way, WHO DOES THAT? Just springs a "oh by the way, that'll be an extra wad of cash that you don't have!" in an email? Especially when we met face to face last week, and have been speaking on the phone frequently! What. The. Hell.

Anyway, in the big scheme of things, it'll work out, and maybe even to our advantage. But in the short term, it means stress on my/our end, and a giant sense of disappointment that my extensive planning, spreadsheeting, and "save image"ing still means that with 31 days to go, we're scrambling.

The disappointment that comes with that is so deflating. We haven't picked first dance songs. The To-do list is still a mile long. Yet... I have no interest in working on it until this gets sorted out.

And dealing with the whole thing makes me sad... there are so many better ways to spend five figures of money.

Give me some advice. How do I perk up from this wedding-slump and jump start the enthusiasm again?

Joint finances?

DJ and I met with an accountant today to discuss my eligibility for the $8,000 tax credit for first time homebuyers. I’m pretty excited to say that I’ll be getting probably $8,000+ back in taxes, which will seriously beef up the rather paltry savings account. And DJ will get a nice sum back too.

Sidenote: as we were standing in the lobby, I mentioned to DJ that while I sucked at math in college, and hated it, I kind of thought it would be fun to be an accountant. :::BAM::: Mom, MOM! Wake up! You fainted at ME saying I wanted to be an accountant.

Source

Back to the point, we’ll be filing separate taxes for the 2009 tax year (since we’re still separate, duh). And I asked the accountant if we should file joint taxes for 2010, since we’re getting married in 2010. His answer was a yes, since it streamlined the process and made the whole refund thing more streamlined.

We are, however, at my insistence, going to maintain some kind of financial independence from each other once we’re married. Frankly, it just seems easier. I don’t have to worry about not knowing what he’s spent out of our checking account; he doesn’t have to worry about me not tracking purchases down to the penny in a register. This is called the “Yours-Mine-Ours” strategy.

Source

And I think every woman should retain some level of financial independence. You never know what will happen in life, and my parents paid for a college education so that I can always provide for myself. I’ll take that a step farther and keep the majority of my finances my own. Independent.

We did set up a joint checking and joint savings account in November though. The bank where my accounts are offered a promotional deal if we got our mortgage through them and opened a joint account at that banking institution.

The plan for semi-joint finances is as follows. DJ will transfer all of his accounts over to the bank where my personal accounts and our mortgage are in the next month. We will both continue to have our paychecks direct deposited into our personal checking accounts, and from there will set up auto-transfers of a specified amount via online banking into our joint checking account. Bills paid out of joint checking will be the things we share. Right now, that’s only mortgage, home insurance, taxes, and cell bills. Eventually though it will include car insurance, groceries, etc. All of these will likely be set up on an auto-bill too, so we won’t have to think about it.

Source

Mine, Ours, Yours

Right now the joint savings account is only seeing action as a wedding fund. We’re both putting a specified amount into it each month, so we don’t have to put wedding expenses on charge cards. Once El Weddingo is past, stuff like tax refunds and monetary gifts will probably go into our joint savings account.

Our personal accounts are that, personal. I don’t care to know how much DJ has in checking. Or for DJ to know how little I have in checking. My personal accounts will pay for stuff like girl’s weekends, gifts, fun money, etc. And we will both only be able to see the accounts our names are on when we log into online banking.

Do you think it’s foolhardy to try to keep accounts separated? Are you an all-in type of person? Or did you join accounts, but now wish you wouldn’t have?

Do you think this plan is going to go down in a ball of flames in a year?

Traction

For some reason November was kind of a rough month for me. I couldn't seem to get an traction to get anything done, and I hate that. I like productive days where I can go home at the end of the day and feel like I Got. Shit. Done. You know?


Part of it was moving into a new house. It's overwhelming to look around and come up with an endless list of to-do's. Most pressing is the need to get a paperwork system devised, and a bills and office organization. I've (mostly) kept on top of everything, but honestly, I'm just not a great details thinker. I'm a better big picture person.

Which is why the AudioBook CD that I'd borrowed from the library for our Oregon trip in September went unreturned. I moved it twice, but apparently didn't have time to return it (despite going to the Library a handful of times in the last three months for work related stuff). It caught my attention on Tuesday morning when I received an emailed version of a letter from a collections agency regarding my overdue book and associated fine... Yep. Turned over to collections for a $10 late book fine.

I immediately returned the book and paid the fine, but still, I'm embarrassed about it. Embarrassed that somewhere between trying to juggle everything I let that ball drop. And such an easy one too!

I feel like part of being a grown up is having your business life in order. Marriage is, after all, a non-profit union for the joint protection of assets, isn't it? Our union isn't a fully complete one; we're still working towards a semi-merged financial system. There will be glitches along the way, but I'm mostly concerned that I will screw it up on my end. We've got a joint checking account, and for the first time in my life I'm actually writing stuff down in the register to account for every penny. I don't want to let DJ down on our shared assets.

Work has been busy, as usual, and I seem to be embroiled no less than three projects where the neighbors acidic relationships with each other just suck the life out of any forward progress on the projects. It's hard to stay focused on being a good public servant when you're receiving nasty-grams from people who accuse you of being unethical and an advocate for projects you didn't want to support but the Boss said you had to. Tough to recover from.

And I can't help but be super overwhelmed with Wedding stuff. I think it would have helped to find time for me, my mom and DJ's mom to sit down and think through the whole vision of the event. I have it basically all planned out in my head, but I haven't communicated it very well to anyone... And I was starting to lose sleep over how behind on the whole thing I felt. To the point that I actually took the entire day off on Tuesday (save for a late evening board meeting) to work on wedding stuff. All day long. No TV. Little facebook. Just me and focus! I knew I needed to work on it all day Tuesday for my sanity, and felt like I should be honest with my boss and not burn 8 hours of work time working on private stuff.

I feel substantially better today about where the wedding stuff is at. There were some setbacks, like calling the restaurant where the reception is going to be and finding the phone has been disconnected and they're closed for the season until the end of March. . But I mostly finished the Save the Date Pamphlets (still to do: final edits, drop them off to be printed), and worked on a sort of stream of consciousness wedding thoughts outline (sorry DJ, not everything fits into a spreadsheet!), as well as a checklist of tasks.

I'm going to start working on a monthly email to be sent to the 'rents and siblings on the 10th of each month leading up to the wedding, as a way to keep everyone informed. I plan to talk about what we've gotten done so far, assign tasks to be completed that month, and give an overview of where we are in the whole process. Can you think of anything else I should add?

The good news is that after spending 10 straight hours on wedding yesterday, I do feel better about it. And I actually had some forward momentum to get all of the random crap on m desk at work taken care of. It feels good to be productive and on top of things.

Engagement Evolution

I wore my engagement dress on Saturday to a function at AOII. It’s a white sundress that I had on when DJ told me we had to meet the contractor on site to discuss grading the lot asked me to marry him. I wrote this post about how we got engaged back in August.

Monday morning in the shower (best thinking place) I thought about all the ways our relationship has evolved since we got engaged. In many ways it hasn’t changed, which is awesome. I didn’t want, and I still don’t want, to change a darn thing about our relationship or DJ.

We still usually fall back to potty humor.

DJ still dances around and sings.

I still have way too many opinions.

We both still love my engagement ring. (LOVE the streamlined Art-Deco feel of it!)

What's not to like!?

Through building a house together we’ve figured out what subjects we communicate well on, and which we don’t. Surprisingly, a house we can build; a wedding seems to take many more intense conversations…

I would say we’re becoming less shy with each other. Neither of us is one to prance around naked, but I’m finding myself more and more comfortable to talk about the root of what’s bothering me than I was before. And that feels like a kind of nakedness.

Not a very flattering photo of me, but DJ is definately saying "pooooooooop" in this photo.

I’m also finding myself tempering my words, and choosing carefully how I say something and how my body language speaks for me. Thinking before speaking!? ME? No shit… maturity does happen, huh?

I’ve said before that if I could fast forward to next fall when we’re married, I would. And it leads me to wonder how else I will evolve in the next year. Pulling off such an increasingly large event requires a lot coordination, skill, tact and patience. Yeah… those last two? Not exactly adjectives often associate with Courtney.

I wonder how other people have changed through the process of becoming engaged and then getting married?

Two Steps Forward... and One Step Back

It was an interesting weekend around these parts. Good in a lot of ways, and disappointing in a lot of ways.

Since this blog is a sort of open diary, I’m going to write about issues that some people might prefer I keep to myself. Writing is becoming cathartic for me, and the words I’m going to put down here today are of tough to elucidate, but necessary. So feel free to skip this one if necessary. Like I said, there are high points and low points.

Saturday morning I attended initiation of 16 new members into the MSU chapter of AOII. I initiated nearly eight years ago as a freshman in college, and the MSU chapter means so much to me; maybe more in the last two years than the first six.

I’m so proud of the current members. Participation in sororities has been declining in Montana, despite a strong national trend elsewhere. We always struggled to keep numbers decent during my time as a collegiate, and it often felt like a giant uphill battle. Of the twelve girls I pledged with, only seven remained as seniors; although we picked up some awesome new people along the way to fill our class back out to twelve. At points in the last eight years, they’ve had initiations of only six people.

So an initiate class of 16 is a big, big deal for them/ us. More than anything, it was gratifying to stand in a room and count the number of active members- nearly 46 people!!! That’s close to campus total, and they’ll keep recruiting in the spring. I’m proud, and appreciative of the girls' hard work.

The entire AOII chapter, spring 2004.

The chapter at MSU, has kept me tenuously tied to MSU these last two and a half years. They’ve allowed me to stay involved with a college-affiliated organization, and give back in a (hopefully) meaningful way, despite the deep anger I feel towards the administration at MSU. I want to make it clear, my, and my family, still love the people of MSU. The alumni and the staff are all wonderful people who want nothing best for the university and its associated clubs and organizations. Being at the AOII house around women whom I look up to despite the fact that they’re younger than me reminds me of how important it is to keep the organization going.

But I shouldn’t say much more about the administration since there’s a lawsuit going on.

You get my point; AOII is a big deal for me. And getting to look around that room Saturday morning and see it thriving, well, it really made me a better person on Saturday. And I needed all of the positive vibes I could get when I walked out of the chapter house with to go to the MSU vs. Sacramento State football game.

I loved going to games at MSU while dad was there. I knew most of the players, their parents, the staff and many of the fans. As a college student myself, it was a great atmosphere; raucous tailgating, exciting games and down to the wire conference championships.

Gretchen, cousins Blake and Zack, and I. Fall 2004?

Tailgating with the AOII's, 'Cat-Griz 2003.

Post 'Cat-Griz win picture, 2003.

Tailgates, 'Cat-Griz 2005.

Post 'Cat-Griz win picture, 2005.

I have to admit, I expected some deflation of the party atmosphere with a new coach and changes to the tailgating policy which basically eliminated student tailgating. But what I saw on Saturday was… wow, it felt like a funeral in there. One entire section of stands wasn’t shoveled out after Thursday’s snowstorm, so no one sat in it. An entire section. What. The. Fuck.

Kickoff, 2009.

People will say “oh, well it’s hunting season” or “oh, well, it snowed and the weather was going to be shitty” or “it’s not a very important game” or “it’s the game before ‘Cat-Griz”. People. Those are lame excuses. This is a team that’s won seven games, and could still win an eighth in the regular season. That’s better than dad’s teams ever did. I’m pretty certain the stands were full for the playoff game against Furhman in November of 2006 when it was five degrees out. And that the games against EWU the weekend before ‘Cat-Griz were ALWAYS full when dad was there.

AOII's at the game... sometime in the fall of 2004. It's a non- 'Cat-Griz game and it looks pretty packed...

Of all of the emotions I expected to have after the game, I didn’t expect to feel the extreme sense of sadness as I left the stadium. After they WON the game!!! I felt sad after they won the damn game!!!! Sad that it’d gotten so boring! So staid and square! And sad that it took dad so long to build a program that people were interested in, and it only took three years to totally erode that. Man- what a god damn shame.

Goalposts going down, 2005.

Man, what fun that was.

That said, I did experience a flare of outright anger. Like capital A, bolded, underlined anger. One of the guys who got dad fired was there on the sidelines, with the visiting team. Again What. The. Fuck. What gall. What outright absolute goading. He’s lucky I played golf and can’t throw worth a damn. I had an ice-packed snowball with his name on it. (but I’m not bitter)

That particular person raised an interesting set of emotions in me. He gave me some of the best advice I ever received; to never, ever, settle for less than everything I want. And I sat there stunned, watching him, in a swirl in emotion. I wanted to ask him why. Why do what you did to yourself, your family, and my family? We took you in. We made you our own. Your advice rings through to me still, but it’s so tainted by your actions that I can’t take the very good guidance you offered.

And why, six years later, have you never made an effort to apologize?

Walking out of the stadium DJ asked me how I thought it went. I told him I was disappointed and upset, but for different reasons than I expected. I want the games to be fun. I want them to have good attendance and to attract new fans. And that’s progress for me. Two years ago I would have told you I wanted them to never sell out a game again.

But seeing that particular person… man, it was a blow to my fragile return to Bobcat fandom.

I guess that’s life though, two steps forward, one step back.

We have ‘Cat-Griz tickets for next weekend. :::gulp:::

Things to look forward to

I’ve been working late the last few nights in order to get ahead on my workload. Monday I stuck it out until 9pm, yesterday until 8:30pm. There were breaks in there for bike rides and pilates classes, but mainly I’ve been working away at my Outlook “tasks” list in a pretty calm, methodical fashion.

One should note that this is rather abnormal for me. Generally I’m much more of a procrastinator, and then scramble-to-get it-done-with-your-back-against-the-wall-of-a-deadline kind of girl. I like to think I pull things off well this route; that I do my best thinking under pressure. I’m not sure if that’s true or just an excuse, buuuttt…

For some reason on Monday I was inspired to get as much done early this week as I could. We’re waiting on the go-ahead from the contractor to start tiling, so I want to have as much off of my plate as possible so I can help DJ as much as possible… or at least stay the hell out of the way and offer encouragement!

But I’ve wrapped up projects, signed permits, written reports and outlined reports for items that aren’t due for over a month. People, that’s some serious working ahead for me. The last time I did that was my last semester of grad school, when I was so desperate to get the hell out of Kentucky and Jen kept dangling promises of daquiri’s and poolside lounging if I got my shit done early. (I’m a sucker for peer pressure).

It feels good to be on top of things. Now I just need to get my office as organized as my workload! It’s kind of a mess in there, with bikes, biking shoes, helmets, DVD players (from the Grapes of Wrath event), piles of folders, and random pieces of paper everywhere.

I think my motivation to get stuff done stems from looking ahead at the next 6-8 weeks on my calendar. Its packed with board meetings, work, volunteering, and oh, yeah, maybe moving into our house IN A MONTH. (see: previous post where this freaks me out a little).

All of these items looming ahead make me want to take care of stuff ahead of time so that I can decide to work late instead of have to work late. Because I’ve got a lot to look forward to, and some of them require time… things like:
- Meeting with a possible photographer tomorrow morning!
- Moving into our house!
- Baking cookies in our new house
- Settling into our new house
- Presenting at the Montana History Conference 2 weeks from Saturday
- Seeing my parents and maybe my sister over Halloween. They might come help us clean the house and move into it.
- Making stuff in a crock-pot tomorrow
- Putting on the Lecture and Cemetery Tour on Halloween. Seriously, how fun can this be!
- Putting on the Preservation Awards on November 5

So yeah, a lot going on, but also a lot to look forward to. I hope this motivation sticks with me!