How I feel

Sorry to leave that post up for so long. Not exactly a warm and cheery greeting when you come here.

I haven't posted in a while because I fell out of the habit. Because I haven't been sure what to say. Because there is a lot to say, and nothing to say, at the same time.

My grandma is dying. My grandpa is... hanging in there, though he's not all there, you know? I drove over to see them over Veteran's Day weekend in a visit which was simultaneously too short and too long.

I developed a cold on Thursday afternoon, and spent Friday home on the couch. We had wonderful houseguests for the weekend. They were here for the annual rivalry football game. We had a lovely visit.

Thanksgiving is in two days, and we've been whipsawed back and forth about the plans. First we're hosting, then we're going to grandmas, then we're hosting, now we're going to my parents. Someone just make a damn plan and stick with it.

I seem to have become pretty crabby and morose as the days have gotten shorter. I'm short tempered, quick to say something biting, crabby, petulant. And this cold has kept me from the gym, my usual coping mechanism. So now I feel grumpy, crabby and fat.

Dusty's brother finally got engaged, and I'm so happy. For them, of course, but for me too. As Brian seemed to drag his feet, I started to worry about how I'd keep his girlfriend as a friend if they broke up. So yes, I'm selfish even in that aspect.

I mentioned to Dusty last night that between Veterans Day and New Years Day is hard for me. Lots to do, and sometimes nothing to do, all at once. Short days, snowy weather, the stress of holiday shopping, etc.

Man, this cold needs to clear so I can get back to the gym!

It's THAT weekend.

My sister and her boyfriend are headed to Bozeman this afternoon. They're visiting to attend this weekend's MSU football game, which is against the team our dad currently coaches, Idaho State. 


I've been dreading this weekend for the last year. Dusty has considered going fishing or hunting instead of to the game. 


After MSU threw dad under the bus, he was out of football coaching for four seasons. For a guy who's entire persona is tied to what he does as a profession, it was torture. It was a really, really difficult four years for him, and all of us by extension. It finally feels like things are getting back to "normal"; whatever our new "normal" is. 


And of course, Montana being a small town, there have been stories in all the major newspapers. The Great Falls Tribune had one, the Billings Gazette had this one on Wednesday and this one today. People comment on those newspapers. The internet chat rooms have been all over it. I've had three calls and two emails at  work from people trying to contact dad, or asking to interview me about how I feel about it. 


The party line this week is "no comment." 


How do I feel about it? It's too painful to drag up. The wound has finally started to form scars; I'm not ripping it open only to invite the internet trolls and their uninformed comments to further infect the re-opened wound. No thanks. I'll go along privately licking my wounds. 


Overdramatic? Maybe. But tell me how I'm supposed to feel about having my dad publicly flogged for shit he had absolutely no control over?


Theme song of the week might be Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." Dad was fired on the cusp of really doing something amazing at MSU. I'm talking lots of wins, playoff games, national championships. 

The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all

Instead of having it all, dad's coaching at a school that's never had three winning seasons in a row. That's down scholarships and practice time because of Academic Progress Rating issues. It's a total rebuild; a resetting of the institutional persona. And he'll get it turned around, because he's done it twice before. Because he's good at this. And because we're all so damn grateful to have him back where he belongs. 

Hell, he's so proud to be back in football, even with only two wins this year and few prospects for another, that he's cried at three different press conferences. CRIED. Had to hold back SOBS. 

(I tease him about being speaker of the house John Boehner). 

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

And you played it to the beat

Could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

We could have had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all

He'll beat MSU again someday. It won't be on Saturday. It might not be for a few more years. But he will. In the meantime, I still have more than enough to say.

Security Blankets and Whatnot

I ma, or may not, but  most likely totally do, have a not so small obsession with having food stocked away in the freezer. Preferably in single serving containers:

Also, we have an abundance of half-eaten ice cream boxes. I think one of them dates to last Christmas (for serious!).

My obsession with single-serving soups comes down to this: LUNCHES PEOPLE. That right there is like 3 straight weeks of don't-even-have-to-think-about-it lunches. Plus leftovers from dinners that will randomly pop up. 

I feel a weird sense of relief at having a refrigerator stocked with grab and go food. It's my security blanket. 

Anyone else want to share their secret security blanket?

Year of the House (Fluffing)

On our way back from Pocatello a few weekends ago, DJ and I discussed our financial goals for the next year or so. We've spent the last three years (of a four year partnership) saving for One Big Item each summer. In 2009 it was building the house. In 2010 the wedding sucked up most of our cash. 2011 was all about Europe. 

We've declared 2012 to be another Year of the House. I'm calling it Year of the House Fluffing. 

We've lived in our house for two years now. I don't think a house is ever "done", but I would like it to feel more finished. We need to finish the tile around our fireplace... if I can't convince DJ that we should really rip our entire mantle off the wall to have it rebuilt with built-in bookshelves flanking the fireplace. 

We need to insulate and sheet rock and organize the garage. Which means putting some kind of heat source in the garage. 

We need insulated blinds for the two windows in the office and two windows in the guest room. While we're at it, I'd also like to have the same roller shades in our bedroom installed in the windows and dining room windows downstairs to block west-facing light in the summer. 

Most importantly, we need a new queen mattress for our bed, so that we can shift our old one into the guest room. We're hosting Thanksgiving this year, and need all the bed space we can get. It would also be nice to fill out our bedroom furniture with a amoire or extra wide dresser and nightstand. 

Annnd maybe start saving for a new vehicle. My Altima is wonderful- the first "grown up" purchase I made, but it doesn't have ABS brakes or all-wheel drive or snow tires. While the vehicle runs fine, we should probably start preparing to replace one of our vehicles so we avoid the two-new-car-payments-at-once issue... 

It also wouldn't hurt to beef up out savings account too. 

We've got a ways to go before being able to spend money on these items. We need to pay off Europe, and they won't be all at once purchases. But it's fun to browse!

Alive

We are alive over here. All is well, I just fell off of the blogging bandwagon for a bit.

In the near month since we've been back, we've been busy each weekend. First it was just getting settled back into the Bozeman routine. Then it was Homecoming weekend in Bozeman, with friends and tailgating and football and a wedding reception in Helena. Last weekend we sprinted down to Pocatello to see one of dad's games at ISU. It's a quick four hour drive if the weather is nice, which is probably is only three months of the entire year. There was snow on the ground on each side, but not on the road.

This weekend was another home MSU game, friends staying with us, dinner in Livingston with friends. Friends who make me laugh, whose husbands make me laugh, and all of whom I admire. I am lucky, very lucky in the friends department.

In between all of that, I've sewn a duvet cover for a bed at the lake (shams, bedskirt, second set for other bed to follow), a cushion slipcover for the chair at the lake, processed probably 20lbs of tomatoes (all in the freezer), harvested crookneck squash, zucchini squash, spaghetti squash, made squash lasagna, done the usual vacuuming, dog running, etc.

It's been busy, for sure. But we've been lucky to have a nice fall. It hasn't frozen yet (probably Monday night). It's been sunny. It hasn't snowed. I've been able to wear sandals. I'm mentally bracing for the crappy weather that's sure to come our way.

But for now, I'll go walk the doggie in flip flops (and a sweater).

We're back!

The regularly scheduled posts over the past few weeks probably tipped you off to our Europe trip, huh? I'm not very sneaky.

I have a lot to say about the trip-- it went beautifully, with only unavoidable glitches like the unseasonably warm weather in Rome. It was in the low 90's every day, instead of the upper 70's/ low 80's like we planned for. Lets just say my husband posted a lot of facebook comments about sweaty balls.

I'm still trying to process our trip photos, all 1,030 of them. I promise I won't subject you to all of them. In the mean time, I thought I'd start with the highlights and lowlights of the trip.

Highlight (for me): Day 1- D-Day Tour. I'll post more about it later, but a couple of quick images:

German guns overlooking the Normandy beaches. 

Omaha Beach, looking towards the east. 

Overlooking Omaha Beach. 

American Cemetery at Omaha Beach. 

Really, I have so much more to say about this day. The short version of it is, GO THERE. If you can swing it. If you're in France. GO. 

Now, for the lowlight. I'll explain more of it later too, but the lowlight was the Vatican Museums/ Sistine Chapel. Check out these photos and tell me if you can figure out why:

Yeah... The Vatican Museums host 20-40,000 people in one day. We didn't know that. They also don't make you set up an appointment (like at the Borghese Gallery) so they can send everyone in waves. It was  a giant mass of people shuffling in one direction. It was alos 85 degrees outside, and either they don't have AC, or it couldn't keep up with the masses.  By the time we reached the Sistine Chapel I just wanted OUT. OUT OF THERE RIGHT THIS SECOND. OMFG GET ME OUT OF HERE. And someone brought a baby. And yes, I took a picture of the screaming kid, because I'm an asshole like that. The poor kid was expressing exactly how I felt at that exact moment too. 

If' you're in Rome, don't go to the Sistine Chapel. If you really want to see it in all it's beautiful detail, buy a coffee table book and enjoy it (for about the same price). 

Also: Jet lag is kind of awesome. I've been up since 3:45am (having gone to sleep at 8:30pm). I've gotten a ton done! 

Guilt over leaving the pupperoni

My friend Emily is house/ dog sitting for us while we're in Europe. It'll work well; Emily grew up with golden retrievers and she's headed home to the family farm for a long weekend while we're gone, so Harlow will get to be a temporary farm dog. Emily will also be able to haul in the bushels of ripe tomatoes  I'm sure to get while we're gone. I have big plans for those tomatoes. 

But in the meantime, I feel a certain sense of guilt for leaving our dear pupperoni. She's been getting extra loves and treats for the last few weeks. She's seen the suitcases out, and I think she know's something is up.

Cuddling this morning in bed; nothing like hanging out with your wang out.  

Muddy paws?

Favorite hanging out position.

Snoozing in the morning sun while Courtney works in the office.

Someday I'll catch that tail!

Oh gosh we love this doggie.