Early February, Early Mornings

Whooooooooowwww

Its now, what, 4 weeks into this full time working/ part time teaching thing and I am... Tired.

Here's the routine for a week: up at 6:15am every day, shower, to the office by 7:45am. Work through the day till 4:45pm, when I dash out the door to the gym. Exercise for an hour, then home for dinner. After dinner is devoted to working on class lectures and slides.

I've found that I can't lecture without a slide show. Talking about history, especially historic built landscapes is such a visual thing. So lecture preps bounce back and forth between searching for the image I want and fact checking what I want to talk about.

I've probably spent an average of 6-8 hours on every lecture. This is the first time the course is being taught, so I'm totally building it from scratch. And because I wasn't sure what I'd want to change after a few weeks, I didn't plan lectures or slideshows very far in advance. So its a lot of work.

I knew it would be a lot of work. Its work I enjoy, really, but it's been a bit of a relentless grind building this thing. Even something like a lovely surprise weekend from my sister can throw my whole "things to get done and when to do them" schedule off.

And every week I seem to fall into a pattern of totally nailing the Tuesday lecture, walking out feeling on top of the world, and then falling flat on my face for the Thursday lecture. Or vice-versa. Its unnerving and confidence-killing. Nothing to do but get back on the horse though. Especially since I'm getting paid to do this.

DJ has been awesome, absolutely awesome about giving me time to work on class stuff. I've neglected housekeeping, demanded he turn off the light by 9:45pm so I could go to sleep (oh the irony!) and generally demanded that all things fit my schedule. He's made dinners, hung out with the dog and kept the house stocked with toilet paper.

And I have a wonderful sister and friends, did I mention that? I turned 29 on Tuesday. And Harlow turned 2. In advance of the birthday, Gretch drove over from Pullman and Ali drove down from Helena for a Chico Hot Springs afternoon and Livingston Saturday night. We stayed at the Murray Hotel (awesome historic hotel across the street from the train station), had dinner at the rib and Chop house and then did a Livingston bars lap. The most entertaining portion of the evening was walking into the Mint Bar and finding it FULL of hipsters. HIPSTERS. In LIVINGSTON. That.... Was unexpected. With their serious black oversize glasses and serious conversations.

Dusty made a delicious dinner of salmon, mashed potatoes, garlic bread and broccoli for my birthday. I received flowers, cards and phone calls. It was a nice, low key day. Which is my style for birthdays. 


This weekend is packed with getting my poop in a group. Writing the handout for the paper my students have due at the end of the month, prepping this week's lectures, prepping some AOII stuff for the annual Corporation meeting at the end of the month. Budgets, agendas, membership, etc. I'm good at that end of the organizational spectrum, I hope. 


And with that, I think I heard the coffee ding that it's ready. Time to get to work!

A slow Saturday morning...

Wow, what a week. Especially for one only four days long. But I made it; we made it through.

My lectures for class this week were... a push. I can't discuss history without starting at the beginning, which meant the geology of the northern Rocky Mountains. Suddenly on Monday night I'm cramming about igneous and sedimentary rocks. It was a little nuts.

Nonetheless, I achieved what I set out to this week. Gave two decent lectures. Was up at 6:15am each morning, and in the office no later than 8am. Avoided "double dipping"; working on class lectures while at work for the City. Knocked out a couple of important projects at work.

By Friday DJ, and probably the doggie, felt a little abandoned. I barricaded myself into the office on Tuesday and Wednesday nights this week to prep lectures and basically ignored them. DJ has been a very supportive husband while I try to teach this class, which I appreciate so very much.

We celebrated the end of a trying week with a great dinner at Over the Tapas; goat cheese-filled croquettes, bacon wrapped steak, lamb sliders and a steak salad. OMG, we may have a contender for new favorite restaurant in Bozeman. The best part was leaving without feeling that we needed to unbutton our pants.

From Tapas we went to Lowes to pick out tile for the fireplace, a project which is finally happening next weekend. I'd still rather tear out our entire mantle and put in built-in bookshelves and a smaller mantle, but I'll compromise on just finishing the damn thing.

Upon arriving home, I poured a whiskey drink and got in bed with a book. DJ watched "Gold Rush" (yeaaaah, the quality of television ranges widely in our house). By 10:00pm the lights were out and I slept wonderfully until 6:30am, when my internal alarm when off. It was nice to snuggle in our warm, comfortable bed for an hour while thinking through gardening plans for 2012.

Now I'm in the office with a cup of coffee. DJ went downtown to meet friends for the Saturday morning coffee date, but I stayed home to enjoy a quiet house. I'm giving myself until noon, after which I'll start working on lectures for the next two weeks.

How was your week?

A busy three day weekend

I spent pretty much all day today preparing my lecture notes and slides for class tomorrow. The kicker is, I still don't have keys to my office, keys to my classroom, or any certainty that I can turn on the projector in the classroom. I know I can turn on the computer, but I didn't test drive the overhead projector when I as in class last Thursday. Foolish of me, since I've now spent 10 hours or so prepping this lecture.

This week, especially tomorrow's lecture, will be a little tricky. It's a subject area I don't know well, so I've had to do a lot of re-learning over the last 18 hours. I think I'm good to go.

In an effort to wind down and sleep at night, I'm making myself stop working between 8 and 9pm tonight. I'd originally hoped to have all the lectures for the week completed by 8pm on Sunday (Monday, this weekend since we had today off for MLK), but chose to not miss out on the Moonlight weekend instead. C'est la vie; I can work on the lectures Tuesday and Wednesday night. And Thursday's subject area is much closer to my knowledge base, so it shouldn't be quite as much work.

I keep reminding myself of the advice a fellow adjunct in the History department gave me: "Contex, contex contex; why is this important, why are you teaching this to students?"

It's been a busy weekend. DJ's mom worked in Helena last week, and will work in Butte this week, so she stayed with us through the weekend. I worked until 5pm, then ran down to grab dinner with DJ and Michelle. After dinner friends picked me and my cross- country ski gear up so we could say in Moonlight for the weekend with our wonderful friends the Kuntz'es. We've nabbing a weekend at Moonlight Ski Resort since 2010, and I think it's one of my favorite weekends of the year.

Saturday morning we fought hangovers and ventured out for some cross country skiing at Lone Mountain Ranch. It was wonderful to get outdoors in the sunshine, mountains and with wonderful friends. DJ and I need to do this a bit more often.

Kelly (due with their second child, whom A calls "Soucie", in early March), Me and Emily. 

DJ and Michelle came up on Saturday afternoon while we skiied. It was fun to show her the amazing "mountain home," and have her get to spend some time in the mountains with us. DJ made great home made pizzas for dinner, served tapas style. Mmmm, that man of mine, he's one heck of a cook!

Saturday morning we wolfed down breakfast before heading down the mountain to Bozeman, a snowstorm, and lecutres and slides waiting to be compiled. I've been in the office of our house since about noon on Sunday compiling information to share with my students.

It looks to be another difficult week in terms of management of expectations and time. Hopefully I can keep getting up early, making it to work and being productive! At this rate, the spring will fly by.

It's THAT weekend.

My sister and her boyfriend are headed to Bozeman this afternoon. They're visiting to attend this weekend's MSU football game, which is against the team our dad currently coaches, Idaho State. 


I've been dreading this weekend for the last year. Dusty has considered going fishing or hunting instead of to the game. 


After MSU threw dad under the bus, he was out of football coaching for four seasons. For a guy who's entire persona is tied to what he does as a profession, it was torture. It was a really, really difficult four years for him, and all of us by extension. It finally feels like things are getting back to "normal"; whatever our new "normal" is. 


And of course, Montana being a small town, there have been stories in all the major newspapers. The Great Falls Tribune had one, the Billings Gazette had this one on Wednesday and this one today. People comment on those newspapers. The internet chat rooms have been all over it. I've had three calls and two emails at  work from people trying to contact dad, or asking to interview me about how I feel about it. 


The party line this week is "no comment." 


How do I feel about it? It's too painful to drag up. The wound has finally started to form scars; I'm not ripping it open only to invite the internet trolls and their uninformed comments to further infect the re-opened wound. No thanks. I'll go along privately licking my wounds. 


Overdramatic? Maybe. But tell me how I'm supposed to feel about having my dad publicly flogged for shit he had absolutely no control over?


Theme song of the week might be Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." Dad was fired on the cusp of really doing something amazing at MSU. I'm talking lots of wins, playoff games, national championships. 

The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all

Instead of having it all, dad's coaching at a school that's never had three winning seasons in a row. That's down scholarships and practice time because of Academic Progress Rating issues. It's a total rebuild; a resetting of the institutional persona. And he'll get it turned around, because he's done it twice before. Because he's good at this. And because we're all so damn grateful to have him back where he belongs. 

Hell, he's so proud to be back in football, even with only two wins this year and few prospects for another, that he's cried at three different press conferences. CRIED. Had to hold back SOBS. 

(I tease him about being speaker of the house John Boehner). 

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

And you played it to the beat

Could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

We could have had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all

He'll beat MSU again someday. It won't be on Saturday. It might not be for a few more years. But he will. In the meantime, I still have more than enough to say.

Four years

Four years ago I returned from graduate school in Kentucky, happy to be back in the Big Sky state and certain of a bright future. It was a great, meandering trip back, with stops in Madison, Wisconsin and Bismark, North Dakota. Driving across the northern great plains in May is beautiful with green grass, blue skies and a lot of bugs.

I arrived home, car loaded down, to my aunt and uncle in town for my cousin's graduation from Montana State. Zack was the last of the three of us cousins, Blake, me and him, to attend MSU. Both Blake and Zack played football for dad; Blake as an All-American Tight End, and Zack as an outstanding center whose career was cut short by bizarre injuries and happenstances. 

The Tuesday after graduation I interviewed for my First Professional Job. On Friday afternoon I took a phone call while at the temporary job at my mom's medical office, in which I was offered my current position. Elated, I hung up the phone, finished my shift, walked down and told my mom the happy news, and went to Target to buy myself a celebration gift. I remember being on the phone with a friend, standing in the card aisle, and listening to a downpour of a spring thunderstorm. 

I couldn't get a hold of my dad all afternoon. My dad is not a phone guy, so I didn't really chalk it up to much. Target purchase in hand, I walked into the kitchen of my parent's home to find my dad leaning against the counter.

CK: "Have you talked to mom?"

Dad: "Yeah... (with a gentle resigned look on his face)"

CK: "I got that job with the City!"

Dad: "That's great kid; I just got fired."

And nothing has really been the same since. My mom came home, clutching the mail she'd picked up on the way in. A thick packet from their retirement investment advisor had arrived. Mom threw it on the table with a "well guess that's trash now."

My sister arrived home an hour behind my mom. In a fate which still makes my heart freeze up, she heard the news about dad being fired from a good friend of hers, whose dad had been MSU's basketball coach until he was fired the previous year. 

"Oh Gretchen, I'm so sorry," said Mikeala.

"For what?" Gretchen asked.

(and this is where I get really, really angry that an institution to which my family gave so much couldn't have the dignity and grace to at least give my dad 24 hours to notify his family before offering a fucking press release just in time for the 5pm news. You stay classy MSU.)

I made margaritas. No one drank them. 

We sat there and stared at each other. Shocked. Hurt. Angry. Upset. Livid. 

And though I try, and it gets a bit easier every year, I still have a hard time moving past those emotions.

Especially knowing that four years later, on May 17, 2011, my parents are still pretty unsettled. 

Knowing that this episode has taken years off of their lives. Added years to the length of time they'll work before being able to retire. Added lines and wrinkles and worry and stress and weight and hurt and scars on their hearts that will probably never really heal. 

I'm proud, or maybe more astonished, that my family has made it through the past four years. It has not been easy; it won't be easy moving forward. But life can't be easy, and if I was to learn that lesson, better at 22 years old than later, right?

Personally, the last four years have been pretty darn amazing for me. Successful job, relationship, marriage, dog, health, career, etc. And I'm grateful to have found a guy willing to take all of that on. It's a lot of baggage; this bitterness towards my alma mater (which happens to be my husband's too). I'm working to let go of it, but damn this bitterness is tough to rinse from my mouth. 

We are alive. We are resilient. We have bounced back. 

And damn if I'm not already looking forward to October 29: the date Idaho State University plays in Bozeman against Montana State. I'm challenging ISU to throw for 500+ yards of passing. 

Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition

I've been walking around with a sinking sense of disappointment for the past few days. It appears, for the third time in as many years, that my dad will not get a coaching job this go 'round.

Bitterness turns my stomach, and despite my desire to move on I just can't seem to let go of the anger. Anger at the former coach and players whose selfish actions got him fired. I don't have the words to convey my absolute hatred towards the two administrators who fired him. Bitterness that one of them gets to retire and ride off into the sunset. A powerfully indignant anger towards two of his coaching “friends” who have had opportunities to offer him a job and ease my parents situation, yet have extended no offers.

Why isn't my dad employable in the world of college coaching? Because believe me, he's trying. Did MSU really ruin his reputation so badly? Is it because he has a lawsuit pending against MSU?

The trial begins on January 25th, and at times it is all I can think about. I think of the testimony I will give and how a part of me that I'm not proud of will enjoy staring down the AD as I do so. I look forward to dad’s side of the story coming out. Very, very publicly. Nationally.

I always tried to keep my identity separated from who my dad was. I don't think I realized until now how caught up in his persona I am. Or maybe I just want my parents to be on a forward path again. To not be waiting for someone else's actions to help them move forward.

My parents are wonderful, hard working, big hearted people, who did not deserve to have their lives involuntarily decimated at the peak of their earning potential. And maybe that's why this 32 month old wound is so raw.

And I just don't see a scab forming anytime soon.

Two Steps Forward... and One Step Back

It was an interesting weekend around these parts. Good in a lot of ways, and disappointing in a lot of ways.

Since this blog is a sort of open diary, I’m going to write about issues that some people might prefer I keep to myself. Writing is becoming cathartic for me, and the words I’m going to put down here today are of tough to elucidate, but necessary. So feel free to skip this one if necessary. Like I said, there are high points and low points.

Saturday morning I attended initiation of 16 new members into the MSU chapter of AOII. I initiated nearly eight years ago as a freshman in college, and the MSU chapter means so much to me; maybe more in the last two years than the first six.

I’m so proud of the current members. Participation in sororities has been declining in Montana, despite a strong national trend elsewhere. We always struggled to keep numbers decent during my time as a collegiate, and it often felt like a giant uphill battle. Of the twelve girls I pledged with, only seven remained as seniors; although we picked up some awesome new people along the way to fill our class back out to twelve. At points in the last eight years, they’ve had initiations of only six people.

So an initiate class of 16 is a big, big deal for them/ us. More than anything, it was gratifying to stand in a room and count the number of active members- nearly 46 people!!! That’s close to campus total, and they’ll keep recruiting in the spring. I’m proud, and appreciative of the girls' hard work.

The entire AOII chapter, spring 2004.

The chapter at MSU, has kept me tenuously tied to MSU these last two and a half years. They’ve allowed me to stay involved with a college-affiliated organization, and give back in a (hopefully) meaningful way, despite the deep anger I feel towards the administration at MSU. I want to make it clear, my, and my family, still love the people of MSU. The alumni and the staff are all wonderful people who want nothing best for the university and its associated clubs and organizations. Being at the AOII house around women whom I look up to despite the fact that they’re younger than me reminds me of how important it is to keep the organization going.

But I shouldn’t say much more about the administration since there’s a lawsuit going on.

You get my point; AOII is a big deal for me. And getting to look around that room Saturday morning and see it thriving, well, it really made me a better person on Saturday. And I needed all of the positive vibes I could get when I walked out of the chapter house with to go to the MSU vs. Sacramento State football game.

I loved going to games at MSU while dad was there. I knew most of the players, their parents, the staff and many of the fans. As a college student myself, it was a great atmosphere; raucous tailgating, exciting games and down to the wire conference championships.

Gretchen, cousins Blake and Zack, and I. Fall 2004?

Tailgating with the AOII's, 'Cat-Griz 2003.

Post 'Cat-Griz win picture, 2003.

Tailgates, 'Cat-Griz 2005.

Post 'Cat-Griz win picture, 2005.

I have to admit, I expected some deflation of the party atmosphere with a new coach and changes to the tailgating policy which basically eliminated student tailgating. But what I saw on Saturday was… wow, it felt like a funeral in there. One entire section of stands wasn’t shoveled out after Thursday’s snowstorm, so no one sat in it. An entire section. What. The. Fuck.

Kickoff, 2009.

People will say “oh, well it’s hunting season” or “oh, well, it snowed and the weather was going to be shitty” or “it’s not a very important game” or “it’s the game before ‘Cat-Griz”. People. Those are lame excuses. This is a team that’s won seven games, and could still win an eighth in the regular season. That’s better than dad’s teams ever did. I’m pretty certain the stands were full for the playoff game against Furhman in November of 2006 when it was five degrees out. And that the games against EWU the weekend before ‘Cat-Griz were ALWAYS full when dad was there.

AOII's at the game... sometime in the fall of 2004. It's a non- 'Cat-Griz game and it looks pretty packed...

Of all of the emotions I expected to have after the game, I didn’t expect to feel the extreme sense of sadness as I left the stadium. After they WON the game!!! I felt sad after they won the damn game!!!! Sad that it’d gotten so boring! So staid and square! And sad that it took dad so long to build a program that people were interested in, and it only took three years to totally erode that. Man- what a god damn shame.

Goalposts going down, 2005.

Man, what fun that was.

That said, I did experience a flare of outright anger. Like capital A, bolded, underlined anger. One of the guys who got dad fired was there on the sidelines, with the visiting team. Again What. The. Fuck. What gall. What outright absolute goading. He’s lucky I played golf and can’t throw worth a damn. I had an ice-packed snowball with his name on it. (but I’m not bitter)

That particular person raised an interesting set of emotions in me. He gave me some of the best advice I ever received; to never, ever, settle for less than everything I want. And I sat there stunned, watching him, in a swirl in emotion. I wanted to ask him why. Why do what you did to yourself, your family, and my family? We took you in. We made you our own. Your advice rings through to me still, but it’s so tainted by your actions that I can’t take the very good guidance you offered.

And why, six years later, have you never made an effort to apologize?

Walking out of the stadium DJ asked me how I thought it went. I told him I was disappointed and upset, but for different reasons than I expected. I want the games to be fun. I want them to have good attendance and to attract new fans. And that’s progress for me. Two years ago I would have told you I wanted them to never sell out a game again.

But seeing that particular person… man, it was a blow to my fragile return to Bobcat fandom.

I guess that’s life though, two steps forward, one step back.

We have ‘Cat-Griz tickets for next weekend. :::gulp:::